Christopher Mackin

James I woke up early this morning and you have been in my thoughts all morning I have been remembering some of the things you did as a child like when you where around 2 1/2 & I was wiping your hands for about the 20th time that day & I said to you "how in the world do you keep getting so dirty" you looked at me with that mater of fact look you had so often and said "mom it is simple I am little I am closer to the dirt". I have lots of those memories and that is what keeps you alive in my heart. I watched the movie of Chris's & my 10 anniversary wedding renewal of our vows & it was so good to see your smiling face & hear your voice I really miss hearing the way you called me "mom" I miss your smile, I miss your practical jokes I think that part of you came from Pep-Paw he loved to play jokes just like you did. I bet that the two of you along with Bobby and your grandpaw James are up there fishing up a storm. James not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you & missed you so much I don't think I will ever understand why you had to be taken from us like you where. There is so much I don't understand about what happened in that house that night, I have some pieces but I have some many unanswered questions, I can tell you moment by moment about when you came in to this world like how your Dad & Big Mama had gone down to the cafeteria in the hospital to eat lunch cause I was almost asleep in the labor room so they thought it was going to be a while & when they came back the nurse meet them at the elevator with his clothes he needed to wear in the delivery room and told him he better hurry and change if he wanted to see you come in this world. James there is still so much I don't know about that night and how things happened like they did maybe one day I will get those answers I don't know. I love and miss you James so much things will never ever be the same again without you.

James I miss you so much, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you and grieve over the loss of you. I know you are not here with us any more in the flesh but I do believe you are here in spirit because I keep finding the signs that you are, the pictures of you that just appear in a drawer I look in or how I run across letters or cards that you made me. Or last weekend when I was sitting out in the yard with Chris taking a brake from working in your memorial garden I looked down beside my chair and there was this 49er's medallion just laying there in the dirt. I know these things are you way of letting me know you are still here with me. I remember when you were real little how you would put your arms around my neck and say "I love you mom and I promise I am never going to leave you". You always called me "mom" unless you were mad at me for something and then I was "mother". I keep thinking about all the things you will never get to do because of those monster's and it breaks my heart. I wish you could be here to see how my James Logan looks like you and how he has that same grin you had and I can see the mischief in him just like you had in you. When I had him last Friday he told me about how he hit TJ and then "Grammy I put my hand over his mouth and I told him if you cry & get me in trouble I am going to hit you again" how many times did you do the same thing to Jonathan when the two of you were growing up. I can tell from the way James Logan was talking him and TJ are more like brothers then nephew and uncle being 3 days apart I guess they would be. It was really good spending the day with him; it was the best day I have had since April 11th when they took you from us. Son I promise you I will not give up until justice is done for you I don't know why you had to leave us so soon and it may be something I will never know but you will never leave my heart 

cj.  my thoughts are of you on this day as they are every day. your work boots that u left on the porch with the mud caked on em are still sitting there where u left em. every morn when i go out there to smoke an drink my coffe they are the first things i see . i miss you so much cj. im so glad you an i got things back on track between you an I.i miss our conversations we would have about life an things in general. you had a plan an i beleve you were going to succed. i remember a conversation we had where you told me at times you felt you were carrying the whole world on your shoulders. and the whole world was agaisnt you. i told you that wasnt so. that there were many people that cared very much what happened to  you. you an i talked about logan an chris at great lenegths. i could see the hurt in your eyes but u knew also that one day that would be made right. but them sorry bastards took that plan away. i play that scene over an over in my head of what happened that nite they too k you from us. their day will be coming soon cj. hopefully the justice system will work for you to.  i lv ya buddy    and miss you so very much.    luv dad

CJ,
  As I sit here typing this almost 4 months later it's crazy to me how fast the tears start to flow even now. I will never forget getting the call at work about what had happened and the heartbreaking days to follow. I want you to know that no matter how many times I got mad at you for you and Dustin's arguments and no matter how many times I told him " He is not comming back over here then!" I was always hoping you guys were going to reconnect and you always did. I am so thankful that I got to meet you and know you in the 5 years I have been with Dustin and I'm glad my boys got to have "Uncle CJ' in their lives. I know you hear them every night before bed when they tell you " We Miss you CJ" it breaks my heart. Please know we will stick together to get justice for you and your Mama will always have someone here for her as long as Dustin and I are here. Take care of Smooch for us ok she loves you and you are all she has now that is a reminder of home. We miss you so much every day. Can't wait to see you again one day bud! Love you! One more promise to you we will make sure your boys know their dad and that they never forget you ever!

Good morning son I wanted to let you know that I thought about you so much yesterday along with Logan & Christopher and how thay would never get to spend fathers day with you and how much you loved them and how much you had wanted to see them. Chris told me yesterday that you had been selling your plasma so that you could pay your child support to Melissa son I promise you that one day when Logan is old enough to understand it I will make sure he knows how hard you where trying so that you could see hime again. I remebered your 1st fathers day after Logan was born and we had the cookout at my house you where such a good father to Logan from the very start you would get right in there and change a diaper without even giving it a second thought and him and Christopher will know all this I promise. I wanted to let you know as well I got my ending grades on Friday and I have a 4.0 I made the Presidents list and it is all for you I know how proud you where of me for going back to school. I miss you so much and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish you where here.